“Things My Mother Should Have Told Me, But Didn’t”

“Things My Mother Should Have Told Me, But Didn’t” by Larry Cohen C 2025

If as many people claim to be descended from those who were really on the Mayflower, that boat would have never left port, sinking right there in a harbor of England.

Many people automatically subtract 10 points off a person’s IQ if they hear an accent that sounds like it’s from the backwoods of Georgia or the side streets of Brooklyn. This is a mistake. Subtract 20 points.

Some of the greatest discoveries are made by accident. I recently discovered that you can’t pour 10 ounces of orange juice into an 8 ounce glass.

It is said that Solomon’s Temple was built in complete quiet and silence, the cutting of the stones done far away from the temple’s construction. Today, the garbage collectors can’t even do something less arduous without waking the dead at 3 o’clock in the morning.

Sometimes I feel guilty eating dinner rolls during breakfast.

Religion is said to be the opiate of the masses. I would be much more religious if they were passing out opium instead of prayer books.

It used to be “finish your dinner, they’re starving in China” . Now the Chinese are telling their kids, “finish your dinner, they’re starving in America”

Golf is a great game…for others.

Youth is not wasted on the young. It’s only a temporary condition.

The Geneva convention determines what weapons cannot be used in warfare. I suggest they include that no one under the age of 72 can fight in battle. This would allow young men and women to live complete lives and older folks can see how idiotic it is shooting at other old people who are going to die on their own in a few years.

We are all creatures of habit. If we had a stopwatch we would notice that the time we take for our daily shower is within seconds of every daily shower we take. And, we do this without a stopwatch.

When I look at the artwork of Jackson Pollock, I think this must be the work of a crazy man. But, when I look at the artwork drawn on cavewalls 30,000 years ago, I think how sensible these people must have been. What happened?

There are certain basic smells, aromas. The aroma of bread baking, the aroma of freshly brewed coffee, the smell of peanut butter…and the smell of opening a tin of Band-Aid bandages. That last one may be a non-sequitur, but so what? It’s still one of the basic aromas.