Things My Mother Should Have Told Me, But Didn’t

“Things My Mother Should Have Told Me, But Didn’t” by Larry Cohen c 2025

No one will love you more than your Mother. No one. Ever.

All of humanity can be divided into two categories: Those who liked the Three Stooges and those who didn’t.

The most dangerous item in the kitchen is not a knife. It’s the wooden toothpick. Just ask any dentist or oral surgeon.

Everyone should place a bright yellow “DANGER” sign next to the stairs leading to the cellar. But, more importantly, everyone in the home should pay attention to that sign.

We can never go back in time, otherwise people from the Future would be here by now.

Your children are yours until there is a war, then the government borrows them. Sometimes they don’t give them back.

The people who think that all an apple orchard owner has to do and sit back for eleven months and let the trees do all of the work are the same people who think that bees not only make the honey but put it in the jars.

Smoking dope can’t be that good for you otherwise it wouldn’t be called dope.

Kids are taller these days. Some think it’s because they have better diets and take more vitamins than we did. I think it’s because they have taller parents than we had.

My grandfather fought in the War to End All Wars. What a waste of time that was.

Never try to convince anyone about anything. If people can’t convince others about the difference between raining and drizzling, where are they going with more important issues?

Life insurance is a strange thing. You think you’re going to die and the insurance company thinks you’re going to live.

If you get a good fortune in a fortune cookie at a sit-down Chinese restaurant, call the waiter back and ask him to bring it to the correct table since there must have been some mistake.

If you ever know someone who has to make a choice between jail or a psychiatric hospital, tell them to take jail.

I’ll believe in Aliens from Outerspace when they land in my backyard and paint my porch without making a mess.

Future generations may look back at us and think that killing animals and then eating them is barbaric. Some think that now. They could be right.

There are dog people, cat people, coffee people, tea people, wine people, beer people, chocolate people, vanilla people, tree people and forest people. You are allowed to pick any three.

If Mankind could have predicted the future, Adam and Eve would have fought their eviction.

If there is such a thing as a free lunch, could someone please tell me where it’s being served and do I have to tip the waiter?

Never yell “Fire” in a crowded theatre, but you can yell “Iceberg” if you are on the Titanic.

It’s easy to borrow $20 from a friend and never pay it back. Try doing the same thing to a stranger. Not as easy, right?