And More Things That My Mother Should Have Told Me, But Didn’t

by Larry Cohen c 2025

Meetings are a waste of time, all of them, all of the time.

If you have friends who are vegetarians, don’t be upset if they don’t join you for a hamburger and hotdog barbecue. When the missionaries first told cannibals that God didn’t want them to eat people, they asked, “Then why did He make them out of meat?”

If you missed your train, don’t expect the one you missed to back up and pick you up. It won’t happen. It will never happen. It has never happened. Just catch the next one.

Never pull out photographs of your grandkids to show your friends. Those photos make you happy. If it makes your friends happy, they’re faking happiness.

Everyone has an Aunt Bertha or Aunt Ethel, or an Aunt Helen or an Aunt Gloria. If you don’t, you are just too young to remember her.

Unless your new car is made from Teflon, you can count on getting it scratched the very first time to go to a Walmart.

Any food that is labeled “low salt” or “reduced fat” should also be labeled “no taste” and “no flavor” either.

If you ever see anyone holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near,” he may be right. But it may only be his end, not yours.

If you weigh yourself everyday, you may not lose any weight…but at least you’ll know how much you weigh everyday.

You don’t have to order the expensive whisky at a bar. The cheap stuff will work just as well.

When your wife tells you “I’m not your mother”. She’s right.

Always show up to vote. Even if you don’t like anyone on the ballot just show up and get a ballot. There is no law that says you have to mark anything on it. Just get the ballot, cast it, and leave. If you don’t show up, you have no right to complain about the results.

Good health is fleeting. After age 40, everyone has something.

If any girl thinks her tattoo makes her more attractive to men, she is sadly mistaken, unless she’s looking to date Popeye the Sailor.

If the restaurant you’re in has photographs of their food on the menu, it’s not because they think your meal will look as good as the photographs. It’s because many of their patrons can’t read.

If there is Life after Death, and you have been really really bad in this life, you will spend your next life in New Jersey.

The girl-next-door, never really lived next door.

The postman doesn’t always ring twice. Sometimes he doesn’t even ring once.

Life in the Universe is a good thing. Life anywhere else in the Universe is anyone’s guess.

Many of us learned what artificial intelligence was as soon as we entered college and met our professors.